Going nowhere

I know there's been a dearth of substantial or sentimental or introspective thoughts recently but it certainly doesn't mean there's a lack of it in my head. Quite the contrary actually.

Other than that, I feel that I'm getting smaller. I'm losing bulk and that's very very scary. I don't want my muscles to fade away! I need to start doing push ups but if it weren't for the many negative connotations associated with it, I wouldn't be so reluctant. In any case, I have barely any time for my own. It's just wake up at 5am and work all the way until 9.30pm. Then 1 hour of free time for you to shower, answer messages then sleep. Wash rinse repeat for the next day. My life sucks indeed.

I'm just praying for a way out, for deliverance.

***

Why is everyone so belligerent these days? What did I ever do to anyone?

"I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself"

"When you meet somebody you care about, it's just hard to walk away" - Sarah Walker, Chuck

These Dreams

I won't be forgetting the memory of the sunset we shared on top of a hill for a long time now.

Beef tenderloin with bacon

After last night's Carnivore binge, I'm still pretty amazed my abs line is still visible! Yay!

***

Colbie Caillat's newest song Fallin' For You. Sophomore album due late August. It's such a happy gay lovey dovey song. Listen to it on my embedded imeem music player.

I don’t know but

I think I maybe

Fallin’ for you

Dropping so quickly

Maybe I should

Keep this to myself

Waiting ’til I

Know you better

I am trying

Not to tell you

But I want to

I’m scared of what you’ll say

So I’m hiding what I’m feeling

But I’m tired of

Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time

Just thinking about ya

I don’t know where to

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’ve been waiting all my life

And now I found ya

I don’t know what to do

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here

And you hold my hand

Pull me towards you

And we start to dance

All around us

I see nobody

Here in silence

It’s just you and me

I’m trying

Not to tell you

But I want to

I’m scared of what you’ll say

So I’m hiding what I’m feeling

But I’m tired of

Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time

Just thinking about ya

I don’t know where to

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’ve been waiting all my life

and now I found ya

I don’t know what to do

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it

My heart is racing

The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time

Just thinking about ya

I don’t know what to do

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’ve been waiting all my life

and now I found ya

I don’t know what to do

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’m fallin’ for you

I think I’m fallin’ for you

I can’t stop thinking about it

I want you all around me

And now I just can’t hide it

I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)

Mad Wold

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for the daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

And Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very very

Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy birthday, happy birthday

And they feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson

Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you, cos I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very very

Mad world, mad world

***

Mad mad world indeed. Adam Lambert's cover is really nice! I've also been hooked on Colbie Caillat's new single Fallin' For You. It's a really cute song about falling in love.

Tomorrow

Transformers 2 was pretty good and I didn't see what was not to like about it. Coming from a very mainstream perspective, I thought it was all good fun with all the explosions and action and drama. Sure it's not the most serious or realistic of movies because it's meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, some suspension of disbelief will do the critics good.

The critics are writing about how shallow and pointless and loud and special effects-y the whole thing is, how tasteless some of the jokes are, how inane some of the dialogue is, but hey, the fact of the matter is that Transformers is a movie for the masses to be entertained by a simple premise. What were you expecting? Little Miss Sunshine? Slumdog Millionaire? Sheesh... These critics are waaaay too old and have cheese stuck up their butt with their heads up in the air thinking that only good movies are those that have intellectual substance. Who cares if the plot is superficial or the characters lacking deeper personalities or whatever? I'm happy as long as I'm entertained and does that make me any less intellectual or sophisticated? I think when it comes to a point when I'm afraid of losing my sophistication and fine appreciation of literature by watching mainstream blockbluster flicks, I really am losing it.

Ok summary and simplification: I am only afraid to lose something when I feel it is threatened. I do not feel my intellect or sophistication by watching Transformers because I know that it is NOT meant to be deep.

But anyway, moving on away from that little rant about critics (haha the hypocrisy, I'm criticizing critics. How insolent is that too!), I remember coming away awed from the first Transformers movie. Sure it was a lot of metal crashing in heaps (old critics can't catch up with all the action?) and rolling around but it certainly left an impression of wonderment as it stirred the imagination and then I became more aware of all the electronics and cars and silently bet that they transformed into robots while we were all sleeping and had their own little party in the garage. It's just good innocent childish fun and seeing how I'm still in my youth (I really don't want to grow up), I appreciate that! It was just COOL.

It really sucks that tomorrow is a school holiday while I have to book in tonight. What I would give to wake up tomorrow at 6.30am and go back to school and just do homework and be intellectually challenged and stimulated. What I would give just to write a geog/lit/econs essay and get away from this awful army life. Maybe a testicle, hmm... Good deal huh? Yeah, that's how desperate I am.

Gosh, I hate minefields and barbed wire and booby traps and all the other shit manual labour work that field engineers do. Yeah Miss Universe, keep wishing for world peace. Then maybe I don't have to do this shit any more. World peace! World peace! Yay! *flashes award-winning smile*

Whatever... *rolls eyes*

Acceptance

It's amazing how my mum can just reduce everything to dollars and cents, reduce everything to one single-minded pragmatic perspective of cost and benefits and treat almost everything like an investment.

So I finally revealed to my mum that I'm no longer with Cherie since last year but we're still friends and then she chastises me, reminding me of what she said when I first told her we were getting together, that I knew what I was doing and so on, making it all sound like a bad investment. "Ah see la! I told you not to invest. Now the company go bust, how are you going to get your money back!" (Not a quote, my own exaggerated input). It's quite amusing but I know better than to swim in troubled waters.

And I'm also beginning to accept army as a way of life now. Getting used to being isolated from the rest of the world, the rollercoaster of emotions as I book in and out, the unreasonable bullshit from commanders, the reverse in intellectual paradigm, the STENCH (damn do guys stink!), the food (actually I'm not complaining about the food la but it's still ARMY food however you see it), the ridiculous time we wake up at, and a whole lot of other stuff. I just thank God that I still see myself on the weekends, that I've not lost my identity and intellectual capacity (although I do feel it slightly diminished) but I think that a few years in Law school would help recuperate that some.

I've also noticed that I have a shorter attention span. It's like I burn through whatever I'm reading and just try to skip out all the tiny bits and just get the main gist and move on. I guess my time is too precious or I'm just being lazy.

In any case, this phase of my life is just radically different from everything I've been used to for the past 18 years of my life. Hopefully, I'm purging the past and getting ready for a better future in all that I do. Hell, I'm fitter and looking better already! Yeah, nothing but a burst of optimism to help me get through next week (it's gonna be shitty).

Slimeballs

Booking in soon. No you have no idea how awful it feels.

I'm still not fully recovered. I still feel cold and weak with a stuffy nose and some slight joint pains. I think it's bloody idiotic that engineers care so much about counting strength because they're afraid of losing someone but they ignore medical statuses and let the light duties people carry on with heavy labour. No sense at all.

I want my bed already. The epitome of personal comfort and sanctuary.

What If

If being sick is the easiest way to elicit care and compassion then bring on the sickness. I don't quite care if I die. Especially now. When all I am is a commodity to be used by the powers that be.

***

Is there true autonomy in our lives?

Raindrops are falling on my head

It's just pure and simple ecstasy to wake up at whatever bloody time I want and ask myself, "What shall I do today!?" with all this time that is MINE. ALL MINE!!! No one to tell me what to do, how I should spend my time, what I can or can not do. I embrace the freedom and liberty that comes along with sick leave. Hallelujah to that!

It's quite sad how the girls are actually enjoying a normal life, actually having a life, while we guys are stuck in the rut, wasting our time away and suffering in torment. I really do feel that I AM wasting my time away where I am unconscious on weekdays just trying not to remember anything and to make the pain that much easier to stomach and accept. I'm just trying to forget all those not-so-pleasant bits and when I book out, I try to absorb everything I can and make everything I do worthwhile be it nothing at all (because doing nothing at home beats doing something in camp).

It kinda makes time seem to pass faster that way so that when I ORD, I'll look back and say that time went by really fast and because I can't remember a thing, it would seem that I've wasted those 2 years.

It's not that I'm not trying to make the best of it but there's only so much good you can elicit from a situation like mine. Even the optimistic would be hard pressed to find something worthwhile.

But like they say, all good things come to an end. And the same principle applies to suffering as well! Sooner or later, this shit will end and I can finally live again.

***

TTSH hasn't called me so I guess I don't have swine flu. Oh well! I was kinda looking forward to having swine flu and getting quarantined and living differently. It's ok if I don't get to go out because ANY PLACE AWAY FROM CAMP IS ALWAYS GOOD. No question about that. It is unequivocal. I love my bed.

To me, freedom is like the best coconut cream pie you've ever had. I devour it. Get my face all messy with it. And then I lick the plate clean. And I lick up what's left of the licked up cream. And I keep licking until the plate is all shiny and I'm sure there's no more cream left. And then I doubt myself and keep licking until the plate is gone. Yum :)